Most of us entered marriage with hearts full of joy and enthusiastic anticipation of a future filled with love. Our spouse was the ONE! The one whom we were excited to spend the rest of our life with, the one who we felt completed us, and the one whose faults we willingly overlooked out of pure love.
Then, the first real big fight occurred, and a wound was inflicted. Ouch! This person you committed to spend the rest of your live with, for the first time has caused you deep pain. Perhaps in your injured state you tried to even things out, improperly expressing your hurt by shooting back, then BAM – the cycle of retaliation began!
The wounds our spouse inflicts often start out small, but if they are not properly dealt with, they fester and can lead to feelings of insecurity and distrust. One small wound left unattended leads to a deeper wound forming over the course of time. When the subsequent fight occurs, the resulting wound is often more painful since the initial wounds never healed. Eventually you realize that you don’t even recall how the cycle began; all you know is that you have deep wounds needing validation and healing.
Sadly, countless couples fall into the trap of expecting their spouse to “heal” the wound that they created. For their own sanctity and for the good of the marriage, spouses should be held accountable for their actions or lack thereof. It is reasonable to expect them to validate the pain they inflicted and sincerely apologize for it, but we cannot look to our spouse to heal the wound that they produced. God alone can heal our marital wounds.
When I finally grasped this concept in my own marriage, it was a huge “aha” moment for me! For many years, I looked to Troy to give me back the innocence I lost through the wounds he caused me. Through my clouded vision of wanting to feel restored by my husband, I failed to remember that God alone is the healer of my soul, not my spouse.
Tweaking this one thing in my mindset, has had a far-reaching positive impact in my marriage. I have peace in my heart knowing that God is healing me from wounds of the past. My husband feels a sense of relief knowing that he is now free from fighting the endless silent battle of trying to fix the wound he caused.
We are all broken people in need of God to heal our brokenness and restore purity to our vision. Since we are all broken, we cannot heal one another. When we are physically sick in some way, do we look to someone who is also sick to care for us? No! We look for a doctor who can heal our sickness. It is the same with our soul. God comprehends us in all our complexity. No detail of our life is hidden from Him. He wants us to allow the light of His healing presence to enter the deepest recesses of our being, so He can restore our health. Our spouse is not capable of healing us, even if they caused the pain. They are limited by their broken human nature.
If your marriage is caught in this endless cycle of tit-for-tat, one broken action responding to another, I urge you to let go and let God take over. Be free from the bondage of past hurt and free your spouse from impossible expectations. Wounds are inevitable, but how we recover from them is our choice.
What if your spouse continues to repeat the identical pain-inflicting act with no apparent remorse? This might be an indication of a need for outside intervention, but it will still be God who heals the damage. Allowing Him to repair the brokenness in your marriage, gives both you and your spouse renewed strength to move forward together in His will.
What specific wound does God need to heal in your marriage? Give it to Him – it is never too late.